Give Me What I Cannot Hold

The less one has the less one feels they have to give. So why is it the more one acquires the more selfish they can become? Is it the feeling that you have that much more to lose so you must hold on to it all a little tighter? Technically speaking if you 'have' more then don't you simply have more to give? Maybe we are asking to receive the wrong things. Maybe we are forgetting how much you can give without using your hands. Give your time. Share your knowledge. Be there for someone when they need. Give a smile. Share who you are; we all have that to give. I never asked for your things. So when did giving directly relate in proportion to possessions? My mind has been refreshed through many experiences in which it seemed the heart could not give enough from the person it belonged. Someone who perhaps had very little in possession and on the scale of things therefore little to give. I have been given so much help in such a genuine way that all I can ever do is stand in awe. One mentality seems to say "I only have this, but I have it to share." The other states "I have all this, these things are mine." Where is the balance between these two ends? The first direction is awareness; something I have acquired during my time here. The next direction I guess is feeling for your own answers. Maybe then it is your duty to live out these answers. This is just the feeling I have. The feeling that is comprised greatly from the care I have for the people I have learnt so much from that I will make a difference starting in myself.

"I won't be able to sleep"

There are those people who read their bodies easily. The ones who say no to coffee or maybe coke past eight o'clock pm as they "won't be able to sleep." I was never one of those people. Partly because I will never say yes to coffee as I just do not like it and mostly because I could always sleep. How to get over this? Put your body in a situation where food does not vary far and do not eat sweets for months. I am now one of 'those' people. It happened innocently enough when I thought maybe I would pick up a chocolate bar all the hawkers were walking with: some 100% Ghana cocoa. I ate it and it was good. Then I lay in bed till three in the morning. Not good. Did that ever suck. No matter the desperation I felt to suck myself under into the peace of sleep I only remained more desperate. All I could do was listen to my mind in its own desperation, "chelsea...chelsea...hey...hey what are you doing...you wanna do something..should we, should we talk?" Tossing, turning and cursing the chocolate finally it was morning and I needed to get up. It only took one nights lack of peace for me to read my body. In some sense it has not happened again. I choose these words because there is still the issue of care packages. Little boxes of love from family. More often than not love comes in the form of edibles. Now when you have the privilege of time on your hands as I do what else do you do but consume it all within the week. Now though I know better than to let anything pass my lips past six. That means I am left with the benefits of being this kind of sensitive: mid-afternoon jitters and spurts of energy. Thanks fam.

Blessed Imaginings

Inside the mind of a truly alone human is quite...I do not even know what. I have been able to explore this a lot lately and all I can say is, "thank goodness for imagination?" It happens in stages creeping slowly from step to step. The climb or maybe descent is so subtle that the resulting bottom of loneliness or perhaps boredom seems a regular transition. It starts with pure stillness; limbs thrown out, breathing steady, eyes unfocused and a repititious "la la la" running through the mind. How long an individual can maintain this status is completely dependant on that individual. This individual could last an hour on a good day. When the limit is reached a deep guttural groan rises from within. Such an instinct reminds the mind of such things as noises. This becomes the next activity: exploring the vocal world. Before long the room has been turned into a one mouth band complete with everything from trumpets to pterodactyls. The next natural progression now that the silence has been effectively broken is talking. To anyone or anything about everything. Well now that seems about as far as can be gone. You are talking to yourself. It's not. Props can be quite inspiring. Blankies can become puppets shows complete with song and dance, fingers morph into long neck dinosaurs , conversations are dubbed for people as well as birds viewed from the window and whole worlds appear from seemingly nothing. All of this seems rather normal to the broadening mind, but that is only until the prescence of another tells you maybe it is not. Why else are these things not done with others? Well, with the exception of conversation dubbing because that is just plain fun. Although if these are instincts of loneliness perhaps in company we are too conservative. This is the mind of someone truly alone, but thanks to imagination not completely bored. The benefits of being time-rich right?

My Little Glass Dome

Sometimes only when you step outside far enough, so that what you were apart of fits into a snow globe, can you see it for what it is. I have stepped back from my family and become an observer just outside the glass dome. What I see is so beautiful that it baffles me as to why this could not penetrate me when I stood right in the middle. It is not as if all of a sudden I was hit by a love for my family: I have always loved them. Now I just see some things in each of them; things that I could not before causing me to love deeper. I have a family worth missing and that in itself speaks volumes of them. They have made my home such a big part of me that no where else can compare. Ghana is a big part of me right now, but is not my home. At the end of the day I look forward to when I leave not because I am leaving something behind, but because I am returning to something so special. Wanting to go home does not mean I fail in this experience: it is apart of my experience. I do not want to go home any faster and not in desperation. I am patient for the day that I can see coming. I am not leaving in loss or sadness as no part of me is has been taken; I am actually buying another bag to hold the new pieces.

Tip Of The Day Future Doxycycline Takers

NEVER take Doxycycline with just one banana. There is a possibility you may become nauseous and throw up in your mouth (twice) while riding in a trotro. There is nothing nice about swallowing this reality. The simple fact that this is even a possibility should be enough to give your stomach a hearty meal before bombarding it with that little peachy pill. Don't learn the hard way. To give my stealthness a little credit, were I feel it is due, I don't think anyone noticed.

Rigamortis Death Grip

I'm new to this kind of relationship, but I think I need to apologize. I have passed the stage where everything is fun and all quirks are cute. I have let myself linger in annoyance. My physical presence of hot and bothered seeped into my mental state oozing like honey through every crevice until I was covered in a heavy goop. A goop that I only sank deeper into and could not see until I found myself struggling neck high to breath. I realize that only I put myself there. I realize that the only thing anyone else did was be the innocent bystander they always were. I put them in my way. Every greeting, every call, every look I heaped onto myself as annoying. Not every conversation is as innocent as would like to believe and not every encounter is as two-faced as I have to stand on guard for it to be. What I am saying is not every person wants a ticket to Canada, me as their wife or my phone number, but because occurrence rates are high I stand on guard waiting for the next words to be "I love you ah." I stand on guard until I am exhausted and then some. I realized though that I was standing guard in a glass box in the middle of the day. I have moved stations now to something outside and breezy. Still on guard, but not standing in so much annoyance. Now it is just stuck to my shoe scraping behind me as I man my station. From where I now stand I can see how hard I had to work to be so hot and bothered. There are two sides in every relationship, but my side was searching for the flaws and holding them in a death grip. I realize that is not fair and the only person it is hard on is me. I am in a relationship soon to become long distance so why not let myself be happy while I can hold it close in my hands. I am not going to pretend I like or even agree with everything here. The difference is that now I am not trudging through a self applied goop. I now appreciate what I love and what I do not; I just do not have to let what I do not always like weigh down on me. I am loving the light and dark parts of Ghana.

Who Is Disabled?

If you fail to see
The person
But only the disability
Then who is blind?

If you cannot hear
Your brother's
Cry for justice
Who is deaf?

If you do not communicate
With your sister
But separate her from you
Who is disabled?

If your heart or mind
Does not reach
Out to your neighbor
Who has the mental handicap?

If you do not stand
Up for the rights
Of all persons
Who is crippled?

Your attitude toward
Persons with disability
May be our biggest
Handicap and yours too.

- Anon