When the hype begins to fade.
Last night, 11 of us were sitting outside in the dark making plantain on the coal stove. Kaity, Chelsea, Meghan, Gill, Sala, Porscia and Benedicta, Dinah, Jackson, Happy and me. I was sitting still, staring at the burning coals thinking,
“I feel like I’m sitting at a bonfire in my backyard, I miss my home.”
I realized when I looked up at the stars that I wasn’t at home. The milky way was pouring across the sky and the stars were unbelievable.
“I wouldn’t see these stars in m backyard. I wouldn’t be sitting in the dark making my dinner on a coal stove, and I would have to get up in 20 minutes to go and fetch water for my bath.”
The electricity came back on and everyone cheered for the 6 minutes in lasted.
The stars were gone.
“I’m not ready to go home.”
I’m in a different place than I was when I first got here. I’m definatly loving the light and dark parts, but as always, the beginning hype is beginning to fade. It’s a lot harder because I’m hot, I’m tired, and sometimes I’m sick. The language is almost on my last nerve, but I’m trying so hard to understand it. I’m really bothered by the way I feel living in a foreign Country. The way that people expect me to know the language, and that I don’t know how to work hard like them. I hate how I can’t be myself and say things that I would normally say because nobody understands the humor or what I’m trying to get across. I’m constantly finding myself having to repeat things, sit through an awkward stare and then say,
“Yah… well… it’s not a big deal.”
And then sit through another awkward stare until I rudely walk away. Or when they just repeat what there saying louder and faster thinking that jumbling all the words together would make a difference. I obviously don’t understand big guy, let move on.
That’s just the worst.
I’m mad at how well I have adjusted when I was expecting to have a personal struggle. No matter how hard to try to live more simply, I still don’t feel anything. Am I defeating the purpose? If it means I have to eat cocoa and kenkey every day, I’ll do it. Even though I hate them. I want to go to my village and feel something, let it attack me so I can grow and experience something so completely wrong and out of my element. If something doesn’t stay with me, I’m at a loss. I’m always thinking about simple living, it’s consumed my second nature. I’m trying to push myself to a certain limit that I can’t stand anymore, but right now, no matter how hard I try to give myself less, I still fell okay with what’s going on.
To what point will it hit me?
I’m scared that this experience will not consume me the way I need it to, and that I’ll walk off the plane going home,
And still feel okay.
“I feel like I’m sitting at a bonfire in my backyard, I miss my home.”
I realized when I looked up at the stars that I wasn’t at home. The milky way was pouring across the sky and the stars were unbelievable.
“I wouldn’t see these stars in m backyard. I wouldn’t be sitting in the dark making my dinner on a coal stove, and I would have to get up in 20 minutes to go and fetch water for my bath.”
The electricity came back on and everyone cheered for the 6 minutes in lasted.
The stars were gone.
“I’m not ready to go home.”
I’m in a different place than I was when I first got here. I’m definatly loving the light and dark parts, but as always, the beginning hype is beginning to fade. It’s a lot harder because I’m hot, I’m tired, and sometimes I’m sick. The language is almost on my last nerve, but I’m trying so hard to understand it. I’m really bothered by the way I feel living in a foreign Country. The way that people expect me to know the language, and that I don’t know how to work hard like them. I hate how I can’t be myself and say things that I would normally say because nobody understands the humor or what I’m trying to get across. I’m constantly finding myself having to repeat things, sit through an awkward stare and then say,
“Yah… well… it’s not a big deal.”
And then sit through another awkward stare until I rudely walk away. Or when they just repeat what there saying louder and faster thinking that jumbling all the words together would make a difference. I obviously don’t understand big guy, let move on.
That’s just the worst.
I’m mad at how well I have adjusted when I was expecting to have a personal struggle. No matter how hard to try to live more simply, I still don’t feel anything. Am I defeating the purpose? If it means I have to eat cocoa and kenkey every day, I’ll do it. Even though I hate them. I want to go to my village and feel something, let it attack me so I can grow and experience something so completely wrong and out of my element. If something doesn’t stay with me, I’m at a loss. I’m always thinking about simple living, it’s consumed my second nature. I’m trying to push myself to a certain limit that I can’t stand anymore, but right now, no matter how hard I try to give myself less, I still fell okay with what’s going on.
To what point will it hit me?
I’m scared that this experience will not consume me the way I need it to, and that I’ll walk off the plane going home,
And still feel okay.
posted by One World Ghana Group 2008 | 10:57 AM
4 Comments:
Hey sweetie,
I'm speechless. It's so sad to see you sounding so frustrated. If you were home I would tell you to take a deep breath and just let it all flow the way it's supposed too. You're putting to much pressure on yourself instead of living in the moment. Perhaps it's just because you have an adaptable personality. This experience will change you in more ways than you think. Just let it happen and by happy. I miss you. Love Mom
Hey Morg!
You remember what I told you??
This wasn't going to be easy but you are meant for something like this. Be patient! Like your mom said, just let it all flow! Because it will, and you will fit in because you are so good at that!
Everyone misses you, your voice, your jokes, everything about you! But we all know you doing something so wonderful! I'm so proud of you. I know you want to change the world and have a big impact, and you will! But not before it changes you first!
Love you soo much, Basic 6 is missing you with all our hearts! xoxo
Hey morgan
i hope you are doing well, heard from the family that you were a little sick. We miss you here in the snow, i'm thinking of growing my neck beard for the winter, but we'll see how it goes. I've been reading your blogs and you are amazing. frustration is normal, i know deep down you have the strength to overcome the hard times. Stay strong and keep smiling. change the world! love you always. Silvia
Morg,
Oh how i miss you tons i kinda want to say more than the other girls only because i feel like, no wait i haven't talked to you in a dogs age. The letter you left on my white board is still there. When i go home it brings tears to my eyes to see it, i feel like your with me. By the way your in my heart everyday not only because you face along with all the other girls is plastered on my wall but also because i am wearing your clothes(all is well with those by the way too) haha. Anyways what i'm trying to say is hang in there like you always taught me. Wish i could be there with you as support but know your always in my heart. MEL and i were talking about how much we missed you just the other day and how we cant wait to hold you. I love you so much stay strong lover. You are always in out hearts! xoxox
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